


Because You Are My Friend.

by nightmoonz



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Drama, Drama Llama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, M/M, Romantic Friendship, ST:ID, STID, Space Husbands, Star Trek Into Darkness, kock - Freeform, spirk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-11
Updated: 2013-06-21
Packaged: 2017-12-14 16:02:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/838736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nightmoonz/pseuds/nightmoonz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James T. Kirk is plagued with the memory constantly floods his nightmares. No matter what he does to numb the experience of his death, nothing helps. His closest Friends try their best and their efforts don't go unnoticed but it isn't until he gets comfort from his closest friend that things finally begin to look up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The nightmares

James T. Kirk is plagued with the memory constantly floods his nightmares. No matter what he does to numb the experience of his death, nothing helps. Not drowning himself in liquor, (which actually made the nightmares worse,) not therapy, not even the pills Bones gave him. It actually killed him to go to Bones, not because he was ashamed to seek out help, but because of the way it made him feel: hopeless, helpless and vulnerable. Every night it was the same, Kirk would take the pills that he was supposed to, to numb the agony and pass out, and every night it would replay over, and over....

_The radiation nearly made him throw up his entrails. Jim knew was dying, just when he started slipping into his deep sleep; he heard a tapping on the glass. Jim used what little strength he had left to close the door to the Warp Core and looked for who was tapping. ‘Spock...’ he thought. His eyes were glassy and looked almost like a child’s eyes, sad and frightened... Jim took this time to memorize the features on his first officer’s face. The straight line of his bangs, his pointed ears and eye brows. His eyes, which looked so human at this moment._

“How’s our Ship?” 

“Out of Danger.”

“G-Good.” 

“You saved the Crew.”

“You used what he wanted against him... That’s a nice move.”

“It is what you would have done.”

“And this--this is what you would have done, it was only logical... I’m scared Spock. Help me not to be... How do you choose not to feel?” 

“I do not know. Right now I am failing.” 

“I want you to know why I couldn’t let you die... why I went back for you.” 

“Because you are my friend.”  _Jim watched as the tear rolled down his first officer’s face. He wanted to shatter the glass just so he could physically show Spock the slightest comfort. A hand on his shoulder, or to gently wipe away his tears... maybe even hug him... although that would be more for Jim’s sake..._

“Good...”

_Jim placed his hand on the glass barrier, Spock followed by placing his hand on the glass in the infamous Vulcan gesture, ‘live long and prosper.’ Jim placed his palm on the glass then trying to move his fingers to reciprocate. Jim thought, ‘ that’s all I can say... anything else... would be too painful... for him... and me.’ Jim felt the fear exploding through his body the sheer panic frightened him. It was torture. He bore his eyes at Spock, everything was slowly becoming dark and then nothing..._

Jim bolted upright. Drenched in a cold sweat, finding himself sobbing from his dream. He swore, “Damn it!,” he inhaled air so rapidly that it hurt his lungs. He tried to calm himself down. He hated that he was sobbing. “Stupid fucking dream! This is fucking ridiculous... when will I go back to normal?!” 

He wiped his eyes, and went for a walk... he grabbed an ice cold soda touching the cold metal to his reddened puffy eyes. It felt good, he felt better. He wish he hadn’t told Bones about the nightmares. Jim mentally scolded himself for not going to another Doctor. When he told Bones about the dream, he paled, and Jim knew why. It was the joking when he woke up after two weeks. Bones joked around as he always has it wasn’t malicious it actually had made Jim feel better considering the horrible other dreams that went with his 2 week sleep binge... Bones however hadn’t quite forgiven himself, there were times when he wouldn’t look at Jim. 

What was worse was Spock was beginning to notice. He didn’t mind that Uhura knew, or Scotty they were there when it happened. When he died... Sure they didn’t know how bad it was but they guessed and they were actually a good support system. Scotty would get Jim tipsy enough to make him happy without causing the modified nightmares while Uhura just knew how to talk him down. The panic attacks were horrible but somehow Uhura--the girl with the gifted tongue-- knew exactly what to say to get him out of them. But Spock couldn’t know. There were too many unresolved feelings and it was just too complicated. Jim’s resolve was fierce he would be damned if Spock knew something was wrong. That Vulcan had a way of making everything...

“Captain?” 

Jim froze, all he wanted with the bridge to (because that’s where he ended up walking to) crack open into a different dimension and swallow him whole. 

“Hey Spock.”

“Captain what are you doing here so late.”

“Spock I could ask you the same question.”

“I suppose that is true... Captain?”

“Yeah?”

“It looks as if you are quite upset... In fact, I have noticed that you seem... not yourself.”

“S-Spock I don’t want to talk about it I assure you I am seeking medical attention and--”

“Jim.” 

Kirk froze, Spock only called him by his first name when he was extraordinarily concerned. 

“Jim, I am worried about you. I have overheard your conversations with Lieutenant Uhura.” 

‘ _Friggin’ Vulcan ears...’_ Jim thought and scowled. “Spock that’s private.”

“I am aware captain... my apologies.”

Kirk almost seemed disappointed when Spock went back to calling him by his rank. Something about his whole near death experience made him need Spock. It was unlike anything he had ever felt before. A certain longing to be touched and held... he wanted to let go of it all. All the pain and misery, he just wanted to be himself again. 

“Spock, listen I just can’t tell you alright? I know despite you claiming to be a full Vulcan, that you feel like we do... I know you’re concerned but far too many people know what’s wrong with me: two doctors one of which is Dr. McCoy, my Lieutenant and my Chief of Engineering and now that’s enough---” 

“By that very reasoning you should tell me Captain. I am your first officer and friend I need to help you---”

“Make the most wisest decision. Yes Spock, I know.”

“Actually Captain what I was going to say is... I need to help you ... in the human vernacular come back to yourself for both ship’s sake and for your sake...”

That’s all it took. Jim was flooded by that blasted memory. He begun to tremble so much that he dropped the soda can he was using for an cold compress. It was becoming more and more difficult to breathe. ‘ _It’s too late now... He definitely knows something’s wrong, and I don’t want anyone else to see me like this...’_ Kirk shamefully admitted...

“S-Spock I need to ---” He tried to take shallow but rapid breaths, panting he continued, get back to my quarters...”

Spock without missing a beat threw Jim’s arm over his shoulder and walked him back to his quarters placing. Jim sat on the bed with his feet resting on the floor, his face was in his hands.

“Captain--Jim how often does this happen?” 

“Spock leave that’s an ord--”

“As your first officer I would always follow your orders. However in this moment I am acting only as your friend, and I am not leaving you.”

Jim looked up, the anxiety attack had passed so rational thought was slowly creeping back its way into his mind.

“I’m sorry Spock.”

Spock looked utterly confused, “Whatever for?”

“For that ugh... display...”

“Captain I believe you are suffering from what is commonly referred to as PTSD.”

“I know... the two doctors remember? Heh.” 

Kirk tried smiling, pretending he had it under control, which only made his first officer all the more frustrated. Spock furrowed his eyes brows. Logically he should have known that this was a high possibility. One does not go through a near death experience unscathed. Emotionally he knew something was wrong, though Spock of course, doesn’t like to rely on his emotions. He admits (only to himself) that they have been very useful in recognizing the Captain’s emotional decline. 

“Do you still wish me to leave?”

It wasn’t a statement, Spock knew that those who suffer from the same condition as his captain need to be handled with the utmost care. Spock’s speculations have been confirmed and now if Kirk so wished it, he would leave his captain to try and get some rest. Jim looked conflicted, “I don’t know... I hate being alone but I’m ashamed that I can’t get a grip on my emotions... God,” If it weren’t such an awful situation he would almost find it laughable, “I’m really becoming you.”

Spock’s eyes widened, he had never heard a human speak against his emotions the way Jim just had. Spock was now twice the times concerned as he was previously.

“Captain... You’re ashamed of the way you feel?”

Jim smiled sadly looking away from Spock, “Yes...surely you must understand that.” 

“Of course I do, but I am Vulcan, you are human... this is most worrisome... Jim is there anything at all I can do to help you?” Gently he placed a hand on Jim’s shoulder, with a pained look. Jim gave it back. 

“Careful Spock that sounds like an awful lot of emotion coming from you.” Jim laughed it off, it was like old times... He thought to himself very quickly ‘This is the most normal I’ve felt in ages.’

“Captain... I have always and shall ever be your friend. This is an emotional connection I wish to never sever. Despite my Vulcan side, if my mother were alive to see the friend you have been to me she would have been so happy.”

“Spock--”

“Captain you have shared things very dear and deeply, you have told me that you are ashamed of your emotions. What I am about to share with you Lieutenant Uhura does not know--”

“Spock you don’t have to do this.”

“I am aware of that... My mother would often ask me if I was alright. She would speak to my father openly about her concern for me when she thought I was sleeping... My father... Ambassador Sarek would say that I am Vulcan and that my emotional state is completely typical. My mother would say, on the outside I am fine, perfectly Vulcan, but she knew that my human side was crying... I was just a boy and I remember not wanting it to be true... However my mother was right... I was often as she says--said-- was crying on the inside.”

Jim’s eyes scanned Spock rapidly. 

“Oh... Spock.” Jim looked like he was concentrating like he was trying to find the right words, “We’re all wrong about you aren’t we? You feel as deeply as us and Vulcans combined, you hide them like Vulcans but you don’t deal with them like they do... do you? You don’t just suppress them or ignore them, you feel them...” _‘No not now!’_ Jim could feel the anxiety coming back... it had to do with Spock and his expression, he looks exactly like the way he did when he fixed the Warp Core. ‘ _No damn it I have to finish this!’_ “And you deal with them but you try as hard as you can to not let them get in the way of your job.” 

Spock was shaking no one in his entire life aside from his mother had understood... but Jim did. Then Spock noticed that his Captain was slipping back into his emotional fragile state. Uhura would know what to say, Scotty would know what to drink, and Dr. McCoy would know what to prescribe. Spock was frazzled and at a complete loss at what to do. “I was supposed to be of use to you, not revert you back to this fragile state.”

“I-I’m sorry Spock.” 

“I should leave you to get some much needed sleep Captain.” Spock made the Vulcan Salute, Jim suspects that’s when the damn broke. He reached out and placed his palm against Spock’s, knowing full well that this is also kissing in Vulcan Culture.


	2. It's not Pon Farr but it's getting Warm in Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jim and Spock enter more sexual tension and... *smirk* Sorry in all seriousness Jim vents out some of his core issues and Spock is there to offer any amount of support.

**_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ **

**_“I should leave you to get some much needed sleep Captain.” Spock made the Vulcan Salute, Jim suspects that’s when the damn broke. He reached out and placed his palm against Spock’s, know full well that this is also kissing in Vulcan Culture._ **

**_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ **

“Captain this is most intimate in Vulcan culture this is---”

“Kissing. I-I know Spock...” Jim interlaced their fingers and clamped down on Spock’s hand...  Jim closed his eyes when Spock closed his fingers on his hand then they snapped back open. “I can’t do this... w-we shouldn’t be doing this... Uhura has been there for me, and I know you can’t do this to her either.”

“Jim... I-If you are worried about the moral implication of cheating rest assured we have what you call an open relationship. This hadn’t always been the case, but ever since your death she needed an emotional connection I could not give. You see I was too worried---”  Spock sighed, “I was too worried about you... She’s been seeing Montgomery Scott, they have been good for each other she had alluded that--Y-You would be good for me as well.”

Jim scanned his Vulcan friend, “Me? Spock when in this universe have you ever needed me?” 

“James.” Jim looked puzzled and a bit horrified that Spock used his full first name. “I have been having nightmares as well... I cannot communicate to Uhura so freely. It’s been hard for us both... she assures me that she loves me and that I love her, that we always will but she encouraged me to--”

“So this is okay with Lieutenant Uhura?”

“Affirmative Captain.”

“And... she’s with Scotty?”

“Yes, She noticed you were walking, and informed me. Then she gave me an increasingly confusing message. She wished me a good night with you then she left for Mr. Scott.” 

“Just how long have you had this “open relationship?” 

“Approximately 9 months, 11 days, 3 hours and 26 seconds since you regained consciousness from your cells’ complete regeneration.”

Jim smirked, and made a mental note to give Uhura and Scotty extended shore leave on the nicest M Class planet they come across... then Jim remembered what Spock said about his end of the deal. He had never really thought about how bad it must have been. Sure Bones created a solution immediately and it was alright for the majority of them. But Spock. He knew Spock, because of the mind meld that Jim had, had with Spock on New Vulcan he knew that his Spock must have been a wreck. “You’ve been having nightmares, Spock?”

He searched in Spock’s eyes intensely wondering what Spock had to fear...

“Yes Jim of when you passed... It was... devastating, if Lieutenant Uhura had not come down to Earth with the message from Doctor McCoy about Khan’s blood and it’s regenerative properties... I guarantee that Khan would be dead right now rather than being frozen in a cryogenic tube.” 

Jim found that in this moment he had been severely mistaken. For in fact, this is definitely when the dam broke. He slowly started nuzzling Spock’s hands for some reason it actually felt about 10,000 more times more intimate than all of his romantic encounters combined. When he actually brushed his lips against Spock's fingers he proceeded to touch Jim’s cheek, Jim enjoyed doing things the Vulcan way. Spock’s finger tips touched his cheeks and Jim couldn’t bare it any longer, he closed the distance between their lips panting heavily and mercifully for the first time in months it was out of pleasure not panic. 

“S-Spock.”

“Yes Captain?”

“Where did you learn how to kiss like that?”

“Lieutenant Uhura.”

“For crying out loud is there anything that woman CAN’T do?! Remind me to send her a gift basket.”

“For what Captain?”

Kirk rolled his eyes, “It's Jim, we’re not taking as officers on the Enterprise just this moment-- and Spock just don’t worry about it”

“Affirmative Jim, at least this physical stimulation is pleasurable to your sense, they do appear to be somewhat wrecked with panic.”

Jim moaned, "Jeez Spock," he chuckled on, "Way to go all technical on me.”

“Jim-”

“It was a joke you green blooded elven god.”

“James--”

“Spock for the love of all things living in our universe, shut up, undress me and kiss me.”

“With pleasure...” Spock deftly lifted Jim’s sweat soaked shirt off of his torso, once that annoying garment was off Jim pulled Spock into a kiss while making Spock climb on top of him. Jim moaned in a very happy surprised way when the Vulcan’s hands made their way down to Jim’s sweatpants. “May I?”

“Oh for the love of-- Yes Spock!” Jim needless to say, was having none of this. He has been tortured by Khan, his nightmares had kept him on edge leaving him completely restless, and his fantasies about his first officer now that he had his Vulcan On His bed no less--- Jim by no stretch of the imagination was letting this opportunity go. Jim got up and disrobed, then he pulled off Spock’s standard Science uniform shirt and just stared. Spock stood up and masterfully ridded himself of the rest of his garments. He kissed Kirk back onto the captain’s own bed. Spock noticed that there were a range of emotions dancing over his captain’s face: anxiety, vulnerability and a hopeless sense of longing.

“T’hy’la...”

“H-huh? What’s that word? Is it Vulcan?”

“I’ll explain later...” Spock took one of his Captain’s hands and interlaced their fingers then rested his forehead against Jim’s, while Jim almost whimpering impatiently placed his free had on Spock’s hip in an effort to guide him in. Of course his first officer being well _his first officer_ had to double-triple-quadruple check to see if everything was okay to proceed onwards “Cap--Jim Are you quite sure this is--” 

“Spock this,” Jim swallowed, “I don’t know what exactly happened but I know that when I was dying on the other side of that glass. I was okay to die--no that’s not right I was terrified but everyone was okay. I had at least saved my family... so it was alright. Then I saw Scotty call you and when you came down to see me... It wasn’t okay anymore---not because I was growing more afraid, not because I was dying, but because...” Jim teared up but it wasn’t like his other  panic attacks he was actually able to just reflect on his experience without feeling the drop in his stomach or gasping for air...  It was the first time he was able to vent without... Losing control of himself, “It wasn’t okay because, I saw your face. I saw you look as shattered as the day you lost Vulcan--as the day your Mom died... It wasn’t okay none of it. Before I was dying on my own terms but when I saw you--I just wanted to make you feel better, that everything was going to be okay even if wasn’t going to be around... A-And there was nothing I could do. It was like drowning, you look up and you see the surface--how easy it will be to just get there and breathe, but you can’t get there, because something is holding you back.” Kirk tried averting his gaze from Spock. “Instead, you’re trapped and-- then there was nothing... After a while I started dreaming about that damned moment over and over again then I remember finally waking up and being alive, thinking I was going to be okay. Spock--" his eyes just welled with tears, " help me be okay?"

Spock let himself go, he began by aggressively attacking Jim’s mouth with his own in an attempt to rid his Captain of heavy thoughts and feelings. Jim responded in kind, he parted his lips to allow their tongues to dance together. Jim took full advantage of this opportunity he allowed his hands to roam all over Spock and experimented and finding certain sweet spots then moved onto kissing those certain spots, like by his left ear and right shoulder which was received by a number of pleasurable moans. Spock took his time doing the exact same thing and would never like to admit this but because of Jim’s--experience in sexual activities he was much more adept at finding points of pleasure than Spock was. However, Spock is (as we all know) Vulcan and what he lacks in experience he makes up for in his pursuit for knowledge. Jim took Spock’s hand again and as he interlaced their fingers as they had done before he wrapped his legs around Spock’s waist. The Vulcan hesitated for a moment before Jim guided him in moaning. He bucked his hips to encourage a slow tempo so they could find a rhythm. Jim was relieved and a little surprised when he discovered his Vulcan was a quick learner in this subject. Everything about the experience was raw, and Jim loved every second of it, the cold thoughts and heavy memories that kept him from having any kind of rest were obliterated. He was free in this moment and unburdened, his inner instincts kicked in. It was completely primal Jim met Spock thrust for thrust. The connection of their bodies was rough and aggressive while their kissing was intensely passionate and seemed to move in slow motion. Jim was dazed it felt as if all his nerve endings were buzzing . Everything was pleasantly hot and just building for the final release. Noticed that he was giving  Spock a lot of audio encouragement of the moaning and grunting variety. Clearly his brain seemed to register that Spock might need more praise than his other bedmates had heard before. For his the entirely humanoid captain was grateful, he gazed at Spock and realized that they were both beginning to lose control. 

“Sp-Spock.” And that was all it took Spock buried himself in Jim and collapsed. 

They just stared at each other in perpetual longing, Spock looked like he was about to say something and Kirk interrupted before he could get the first word. “Do-Don’t go.”

Spock’s facial muscles constructed themselves into something that looked like a half smile. “I was not planning on going anywhere. I was going to suggest that now it is time for you to get restful sleep Captain. Humans need more sleep than Vulcans.” 

Kirk nodded still clinging to Spock then he drifted off for the first time in over a year to a dreamless sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Uhura Stretched as she got up. 

“Oye Lassie where d’you think you’re goin’?”

Lieutenant Nyota Uhura turned and smirked at the Enterprise’s Chief Engineer. 

“Why do you wish to know Mr. Scott? Miss me already?”

“Ack! Nyota you will be the death of me... don’t go...”

“I was just going to check if Spock got J-the Captain back to his room.”

“Ahhh so that’s why you came here, I’m just the mistress you go to when Commander Spock is away.” He huffed with fake indignation.

“Montgomery Scott, you knew of this situation when we started seeing each other, you’re just going to have to be patient with my boys.”

“I jus’ dinna understand why you keep Spock in an open relationship when you dinna... you know!”

Smirking, Uhura nonchalantly commented “Monty jealousy doesn’t suit you, I don’t complain when you stroke bits of the Enterprise do I?” 

“Tha’s not that same! And I do NOT stroke bits of the Enterprise, I make sure she’s working perfectly well and--”

“Monty ok, ok it was a joke calm down. Look I just know that this week isn’t easy for Jim, and Spock always needs to be pushed when it comes to what he wants.”

Scotty looked bewildered, “Whadya mean by all that?”

“Well I can’t really talk about Jim’s secrets, it’s really not fair considering the whole crew knows he died, and what goes hand-and-hand with that kind of trauma. It also doesn’t help that Chekhov and Sulu heard Jim screaming through his nightmare.”

Scotty paled, “It’s still this bad? What’s McCoy got to say about all this? I mean it’s been what? A year now give or take? No wonder he keeps asking Dr. Marcus for her foundation I knew I saw circles under his eyes.”

“How do you know what foundation is?”

“You do come to bed with me woman, and by the way you don’t need that bloody stuff,” Uhura slinked back into bed and kissed Scotty’s cheek. Scotty closed his eyes and continued, “You know you’re too good to me.”

“Only because you deserve it Monty.” she smiled, “To answer your questions, yes... it’s still this bad. Honestly, I think Dr. McCoy can’t help--he still feels guilty about what he said to Jim when he woke up out of a coma.”

“But he didn’t know and Jim didn’t mind did he?”

“No of course not, but Scotty, he’s a doctor he probably feels that the comment was completely unprofessional and insensitive especially because Jim has severe PTSD which is especially terrible considering---” Uhura bit her lip.

“Considering what?”

“Monty I can’t talk about that... It has to do with Jim... before we were ever even assigned to a ship. Needless to say he had a lot to deal with before he became a cadet and there are things he still hasn’t dealt with. I mean...” She sighed, “I should have seen it before, I should have told Leonard.”

Scotty tensed up, clearly there was a lot about his Captain he didn’t know but he knew that no one was to blame for it. “Uhura this isn’t your fault. You kinna fix everythin’, its hard for sure but that’s because you, Bones, the Captain and Spock all knew each other back in your cadet days, you’re all best mates so one when of you suffers the whole kit and kaboodle goes down with ya. It’s going to be alright though.”

Scotty put an arm around Uhura, her eyes were a little glassy but she kissed his cheek in an attempt to show him she was okay. “I know that, but see Scotty, they’re my boys that’s why I have to make Spock’s transition slow. He lost so much on Vulcan, he needs to know he’s never going to lose me just because we aren’t ‘in love’ with each other anymore. I’m always going to love that ridiculous Vulcan, just as I love Jim and Bones. They’re my boys, and they’re hanging in there by a thread. I love you for being so patient, but try and remember, it’s not like Spock and I are making out and doing the nasty every night.”

“ACK! WOMAN!!! I needn’t another reminder I promise! Just no more mental images!” She chuckled and Scotty smiled, “Just one more thing though... Nyota... if they’re your boys... then what am I your pet?”

“No Scotty, you’re my man. No get some sleep you have the early shift tomorrow.”

Scotty hadn’t heard a word after Lt. Uhura proclaimed that he--Montgomery funny-looking Scott was her man. He couldn’t remember a time being as happy--well there was the discovery of this transwarp equation--and when the Enterprise was repaired--and ... he really needed to stop stroking parts of the ship. 

“So... I’m your man? Does that mean you’re my woman?”

Uhura rolled her eyes, and chuckled “Not after that comment. Good night Scotty.”

He smiled and then spoke seriously, “One more thing Nyota... are you sure Spock isn’t in love with you anymore?”

“I think he believes he is, but I’m not sure it’s complicated. I just know he needs Jim and Jim... Jim needs someone.”

“He has had someones but I understand what you mean.” after that Scotty started drifting into sleep leaving Uhura alone with her thoughts. She picked up her PADD and saw that Spock was helping Jim back to his room. ‘Good.’ She thought. She breathed a sigh of relief and she put her PADD down, ‘Spock please just give into what you want... He needs you. He needs someone...’ Uhura looked at the time and date on Scotty’s clock 12:00 am March 22nd, then closed her eyes, thinking ‘Happy Birthday Jim,’ just before nodding off.

_~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_

_San Francisco 4 years ago:_

_At One of Jim’s Dive Bars._

“Uhura!” Jim laughed, he was already pretty smashed, wanna join us? He was sitting alone but there were two drinks next to him one was a pretty cheap beer and the other was---was that a glass of wine? Jim however had two empty shot glasses near him, slugging back a third and then moved onto a Brandy.

“You alright there Kirk? Need another 3 gallons of liquor?”

Jim laughed again. “Yeah probably, come on Uhura have one drink with me! It’s my birthday and Bones was on call he had to leave a couple of hours ago.”

“Bones?”

“You know the good Doctor, Leonard McCoy!”

“Oh right... how could I forget heh.” ‘Jeez he’s plastered...’ she thought, “So it’s really your birthday?”

“ Well almost heh, here look” Jim flashed his ID Jim Tiberius--‘Oh my god his middle name is Tiberius?! helloooooo blackmail.’ Kirk Date of Birth 2233 March 22nd. “Wow Happy almost birthday, hey I guess I can buy you a drink at least you’re not hitting on me.”

“Uhura I can’t hit on you you’ll leave, and then I’ll be all alone. Thanks though for the drink you pick I might wanna change it up.” He laughed but something was wrong, off about him, it’s like the more happy he tried to present himself as being the more tragic he actually looked...  Uhura thought to herself ‘Is he actually drunk? He doesn’t smell like alcohol, and if this bartender was this lazy about getting just his shot glasses then wouldn’t the whole bar be littered with them?--Wait all alone? whose glasses were those?’

“So if it’s your birthday--which is obviously is where’s the party?”

“You’re here aren’t you? S’all the party I need.” He grinned, thankfully looking more like the annoying arrogant man she had come to know for the past 2 years.  

“I thought you said you weren’t going to hit on me?”

“Trust me Uhura if I was going to hit on you I’d at least have gotten your first name by now, or maybe something more.” 

She rolled her eyes, ‘Yep this was him alright James Tiberius--’ she chuckled to herself, ‘Kirk.’ 

“I meant the glasses Jim the two people who are here with you?”

He looked a little taken aback, “I did say join us didn’t I?”

“Yep, sure did.” She smirked

“Well you might as well know then. Uhura this--” he brought the beer bottle over “is my Dad George Kirk his dad’s name is Tiberius you can thank him for that unfortunate middle name.” 

Uhura went numb, everyone knew who Jim’s Dad was and how he died--and ‘oh god’ she thought, _when_ he died. 

“Yeah he’s kind of a jerk, and now you know where I get it from.” He smirked, “This on the other hand is my mom Winona Kirk. Fucking Star Fleet, I actually think she would have been proud though. Haven’t got into a fight since I got here. Star Fleet I mean.” He snickered, “Humanitarian Peace Keepers, Peace keepers, yeah we’re ‘OH so peaceful aren’t we?’ Yeah that’s why we just get everyone under our command killed. Wow Uhura you should see your face.” 

She didn’t know how to respond her mouth just went on autopilot, “I'm so sorry, when did it happen?”

“Sixteen, I was sixteen. I begged her not to go. I had begged her before to not go on other missions, but I really tried sabotaging her from going to that last one. She took me on a couple did you know that? When I was old enough and I had been on missions like that. She couldn’t take me on that one though... there was something wrong with that one. It just felt wrong and she told me there were always risks but I don’t know it was a gut feeling and-- She saved 60 people you know? The majority of the crew that-that fucking captain let die she actually managed to save over 1/8 of them. She died the way my dad did, barely anyone knows about that one though. It’s cause she wasn’t a captain or an acting captain at the time. Some of our professors actually had the gall to come to her funeral, and they were the ones who let that fucking guy command that ship. You know Pike was there, the funeral, I’ll never tell him this but that’s actually why I let him convince me to join. Those fuckers in their star fleet uniforms, he came but in civilian clothes and they were ‘OH so sorry,‘ who knows maybe they were. Pike kicked them out, they were offended and he actually took my side said that they should respect my wishes because I am her son. He probably thinks I don’t remember or recognize him. I did. I don’t know why I’m telling you this.”

“Kirk...”

“Hey forget about it.” Uhura tried to think the longer he stayed here the more likely he’d get into a fight. So she smiled, “Kay, come on let’s have a drink on me for your birthday.”

He looked shocked, “Yeah? Awesome alright Uhura! Let me go to the bathroom I’ll be right out okay?” Once Jim wondered off Uhura called her Professor and boyfriend Mr. Spock.

“I need you at this Dive bar I’m at right now.”

“Miss Uhura you know I cannot date you out in the op--”

“Spock shut. up. This isn’t for me it’s for---” She looked at the shot glasses and the one of whiskey Kirk had guzzled all by himself and wondered what else he could have possibly ordered. “It’s for a friend he needs to get home he’s a Star Fleet student and I’m going to need you to knock him out so I can get him home.”

“ Alright, we will discuss this in more detail later I assur--”

“Spock I understand but right now just come and I will listen to whatever lecture you need to give me alright?”

“Affirmative.” 

Uhura settled Kirk’s tab at the bar which luckily had only been those drinks she had seen on the bar, unfortunately those shots could make a Klingon Captain ... giddy so she could only suspect what they could do to a human’s system. Spock had come into the bar just as Kirk stumbled out of the bathroom.

“Hey who is this pointy eared bastard?” Spock saw the Star Fleet badge on the young Cadet’s shirt raised an eyebrow to Uhura and gave Kirk a nerve-pinch. They had managed to find a cab and told McCoy of Jim’s intoxicated state. 

After getting Kirk out of the cab and up the elevator Spock sighed, “Nyota... This friend of yours is very--” 

“I know Spock, I’m sorry about this--Dr. McCoy!” Uhura exclaimed, she was extremely relieved when the doctor opened his apartment door.

“Damn it Jim... Sorry about this Uhura,” He opened the door wide and helped Spock carry Jim into his bed where then he gave him an IV so he wouldn’t die from alcohol poisoning. “What the hell happened Uhura? You rejected him too many times?” 

Uhura  reflected on everything Jim had told her, she just imagined Jim as a lost little boy and sitting as his mom’s funeral underaged, with both sets of his grandparents dead. “N-No, he just. I think he just had a bad day, he was fine though just a little lonely.” She gave Bones a sharp look, “You’re his friend McCoy maybe next time take the day off work so you don’t get paged away then leaving him to be alone on his birthday.”

Bones looked confused, “It’s his birthday? Uhura what’re you talking about I wasn’t on call today. I didn’t even know where he was.”

“Oh.” Jim was coming around in a semi-conscious state, “Sorry I lied Uhura-- didn’t want heh you know...”

“He’s not going to remember any of this is he?” 

“I really hope not. Damn it Jim you’re a human not a Klingon this stuff should have killed you.” Jim lazily smiled, “ Oops.” Bones rolled his eyes, “I’ve got it from here, you and--” Bones looked the Vulcan up and down, “ your boyfriend? Can leave if you want.”

Spock, “Thank you Doctor.” Bones waved him off. 

“Hey Uhura, you still owe me that drink,” Jim grinned

“Well since you won’t remember anyway it’s Nyota... my name’s Nyota... Happy birthday Kirk...” She kissed his forehead and walked out with Spock, receiving the lecture of a life time. All the while she made a decision, she was going to be the one to look after him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks guys for the seriously rapid support I hope you like this chapter as well as the first one. Also I apologize I am turrible at writing smut I'm trying to get better at it. Sorry for all the drama llama but it was tagged that way for a reason. Hope you like my fabricated back story. Comments, Questions and/or suggestions are welcome =^___^= Also I double check That is James T. Kirk's actual birthday he would be an Aries SO not surprised


	3. Jimmy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which James T. Kirk sees his long lost older brother George Samuel "Sammy" Kirk, his wife and his daughter Winona. Lots and lots of Drama Llama and Hurt/Comfort.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've actually made this a little plot heavy. To my TOS fans and Star Trek Alt Uni comic readers, yes I'm aware that Sam is supposed to have a son Peter, I thought this was more poetic. You'll see what I mean, also like in TOS George Samuel Kirk will be referred to by his MIDDLE name, Sam. 
> 
> The years are going off the Movie Cannon. When the Enterprise is re-christened it's almost a year after what happened in London, which is about halfway through the year of 2259. (2259.55) So they would have taken off for their 5 yr mission at 2260 somewhere in June/July. In this fic verse they've been travelling a little less than a year. I just thought I'd put that up because it helps me when I know the time frame of a story any questions or comments? Cool! I'll answer them as best as I can. ^___^''' 
> 
> Also I want to apologize for the longish wait, I had writer's block and then I got really really sick, it hasn't been a good couple of weeks so I hope you enjoy

**2261\. Near the Orbit of Deneva.**

“Okay everyone our 5 year long exploration mission through unchartered space is on pause. Deneva is suffering through a world wide epidemic and we’ve gotten orders directly from Star Fleet to assist anyway we can. The Epidemic seems to only effect children is that right Bones?” 

Bones nodded, “Yeah Jim that’s what it looks like... I’ve gotten samples of the virus it’s unlike anything I’ve ever seen or heard about. It seems to have infected the entire population.”

"Sir?"

"Yes, Lieutenant Uhura?" 

"We're being hailed there's an emergency message from Deneva." Kirk blinked, "On screen Uhura. Let's see what it is and if there's anything we can do."

"Yes Captain, I'm trying the video feed has been corrupted." Kirk nodded, "That's okay Uhura let's just figure out what's going on."

"Star Fleet please help us!" A man's voice pledded, "We're in absolute panic we've had a world wide epidemic. We don't know what to do--only our children are effected we need advanced medical help." The video feed kicked in and both men looked at each other, one was the captain the other was- "Sam."

"Jim? J-Jimmy? Is that you? You work for Star Fleet?" Kirk could feel all the eyes on the bridge on him. 

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

**Year 2242 Iowa Earth.**

Jim was running, “SAMMY!” Tears were streaming down his face as he finally caught up and tackled his older brother. 

“Jimmy let go!” His brother shoved him off, and Jim in his small 9 year old frame attacked his brother again then hugged him in a death like grip. “Sammy don’t go! You can’t leave what will mom say?”

“Mom’s off planet and in case you didn’t notice she doesn’t care Jimmy she hasn’t cared about anything since dad died.” George Samuel Kirk shoved his little brother off again. Standing up he wiped all the dust off his clothing. 

“You’re wrong. Mom loves us she does, the whole reason she still has a job with Star Fleet is because of the money. She cries every time she leaves us and you know it! Why are you doing this?”  Jim’s eyes were welling with tears. His brother gave him a look and without ever have seeing it before, without knowing what was going to happen next he knew it was hopeless. 

“Because I can’t do it anymore Jimmy. I can’t pretend to like it here, or that I like Star Fleet, or that I even like you!” Once he said it the older Kirk looked ashamed and instantly apologized, “Jimmy I didn’t mea--” Sam tried to approach his little brother maybe even put a hand on his shoulder. Jim took a step back, he was shaking and sneered, “Save you breath. Don’t worry George,” Sam flinched at his first name his father’s name and Jim continued on, “you really don’t have to worry about being a Kirk. ‘Cuz hey you’re already abandoning me and mom.”

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

**Present Day 2261. Near the Orbit of Deneva.**

"Star Fleet please help us!" A man's voice pledded, "We're in absolute panic we've had a world wide epidemic. We don't know what to do--only our children are effected we need advanced medical help." The video feed kicked in and both men looked at each other, one was the captain the other was- "Sam."

"Jim? J-Jimmy? Is that you? You work for Star Fleet?" Kirk could feel all the eyes on the bridge on him. 

"Yes Samuel, what seems to be the problems of Deneva?"

"Jimmy you look good, kid--"

"Don't call me that. What seems to be the problem with your world?"

Samuel stiffened up, "Right. It happened about 4 months ago. All of our kids started moving slower, at first they got sick of playing. Then of eating and drinking, thousands died Jim. We didn't know what to do. We put them in an induced comas. Jim you've got to help me."

"Of course I have to, this is a Federation planet." At this point James T. Kirk was out of the chair, his hands molded into fists. He looked around to see everyone almost afraid of him. Even first officer looked at him with some concern, Jim sighed, "Let me assemble a medical team to take a look at the disease."

Sam looked away from the screen, "Jim there's something you need to know."

"What now?"

"One of the kids effected... i-is my daughter Winnie--Winona."

Jim's clenched jaw gaped then all of a sudden he came to his senses. "Understood. Chekhov," Chekhov paled at his name, "A-Aye Keptan." Jim used a tone of calm that would have made any Vulcan proud. "Prepare to beam aboard George Samuel Kirk, and his daughter Winona Kirk... Sam you gotta wife?"

"Y-Yes her name's Aurelan... Jimmy I'm so sorry--"

"Samuel, my name’s Jim. Be ready in 15 minutes. Chekhov have them on standby, McCoy have a medical team awaiting their arrival and Uhura end the transmission."  

Uhura ended the transmission, Bones was the one to break the awkward tension filled silence. "So... That's your brother. What a guy."

Kirk smiled, "Yep." Everyone on the bridge did double takes of the captain. It was clear to Jim that everyone even Lt. Uhura had thought Jim to be an only child.

Bones, “You’re a better man than me Jim. I don’t know if I could do it.”

“Yeah well his little girl is still my mom’s grandchild. Would it be to cliche to say is I’m doing it for her?” Bones saw the look on Jim’s face that was something James T. Kirk did not mean to say out loud. Bones looked down and then patted Jim’s shoulder. 

“No Jim, I think it’s probably what she would have wanted... considering--”

Jim chuckled, “That’s enough Bones I think that’s all of the family secrets I need out there for one day.”

Still avoiding Spock and Uhura’s gaze Jim commanded that Spock take the Comm while he and Bones rode down to welcome Jim’s extended family. 

“So... you were how old the last time you saw him?”

“I was 9 Bones.”

 “Are you going to tell him about the--”

“Not Now Bones.”

When Bones and Jim got down to the teleportation pad Sam, his wife and their daughter were all there. 

Sam had a pained look plastered on his face, “Jim... I-I really appreciate this even after--”

“Even after you didn’t even bother to show up to mom’s funeral? Don’t worry about it we stopped being brothers a long time ago.”

“Jimmy.”

“No. Don’t call me that, that name is reserved for Mom, it stopped being used the day I found out she was dead. I remember exactly where I was when I found out. Where the hell were you?”

“I-”

“Bones look after my niece give her parents updates on her condition. I’m going to be in my quarters.” Sam looked like he wanted to say more. He wanted to give Jim the apology he deserved, but Jim was still too full of rage and hurt to let amends begin.

Bones sighed, “You got it Jim.”

As Jim made it to his quarters he was surprised to see Spock waiting there for him. 

“Spock.” Jim looked away from his companion, “Didn’t I give you the Comm?”

“Yes Captain, I passed it to Lt. Sulu. I was not aware you had a brother.”

“I don’t Spock he was legally pronounced dead.”

“Captain-”

“Spock no. Okay? I just can’t go into it. He abandoned us, I wasn’t even in double digits and he left. It broke my mom’s heart, she nearly lost it but she held on for me. She was amazing and she loved us and he didn’t even come back. I was all alone I nearly went into foster care! I avoided that through Emancipation and I tracked him down and sent him a god damned invitation to our mother’s funeral. He didn’t even respond. He just left us, it’s like we weren’t good enough for him. He hated me you know.” Spock laid a hand on Kirk’s shoulder.

“Jim, hate is a very strong human emotion, I doubt your brother hates you as you claim.”

“No but he blames me. He blames me for why my father died.”

“That is highly illogical, it was Nero and his crew. They and they alone are responsible for the death of your father, just as he is responsible for the death of my mother and home planet.” Kirk’s eyes were glassy, there were so many things he wanted to tell Spock: when his brother left; all the good memories with him; and then the good memories with his mother; how he was allowed on some missions; and most of all his most painful memory. When he found out about his mother’s death. All of which was pushed back to the far corner of his mind as Spock kissed him. 

Jim kissed back passionately barely having any self restraint. He almost ripped off his science officer’s uniform. It was all very rough and desperate, and his memories kept interrupting his passionate thoughts. “Sometime Spock I’ll tell you everything, but right now I just need to-this.”

“Understood Captain.” Jim smiled, he wasn’t sure if Spock meant that to be lighthearted or not but it made him laugh internally, causing him to wonder if Spock would ever just call him Jim in bed. 

Suddenly it was all a blur, there were a tangle of limbs Jim was on top, kissing his Vulcan’s lips while resting his forehead on top of Spock’s. Jim clutched Spock’s hips and bucked. Spock moaned in appreciation whether he knew he moaned or not wasn’t even amongst all the other inner workings of his mind. Jim worked some magic with his hands, carefully tracing patterns onto Spock’s torso. Jim’s movements were rapid but carefully calculated he had, had enough experience to know what felt good for both of them. Spock was letting his inhibitions he understood the deep emotional connection he had with his captain and trusted him enough to let Jim have free range. Jim and Spock collided together for what seemed like hours. Finally Jim collapsed on top of his Vulcan with their arms around each other. 

“Spock thank you, for ev-everything.”

“It’s going to be alright Jim. I do not know what issues you have to resolve with your brother, but I trust that you both will come to some resolution.”

“I hope you’re right.”

After that Jim nodded off dreaming of things from the past. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**Year 2249 Iowa Earth.**

Jim's hand's were gripped on his desk. He looked out the window and he saw them guys in full Star Fleet uniforms. Guys in full Star Fleet Uniforms wearing black gloves. Guys in full Star Fleet uniforms wearing black gloves carrying a flag... ‘A flag... black gloves... of fuck...‘ Jim thought.  A couple kids in Jim's class saw him go white, so they looked out the window and saw what he saw. 'Can't everybody shut up?!' Jim thought as he heard the idiotic murmurings of kids who thought Star Fleet was there to recruit. He noted that not all of them were idiots two others were like Jim (Fleet kids) sat down and sat perfectly still. They knew what it meant just as he did, someone or someones were dead. 

'It's not her.' Jim thought. 'Mom's careful, it's not going to be her.' Jim looked around, in his class he saw two other people who could have been the ones the flag was meant for. He ruled out kids who only had siblings. Star Fleet would go to the parents or wait for them at home for siblings they would only come to the school to pay respects if the people who died were parents.  'Okay, okay shut up. Calm down think. Think. Sarah's dad is a First Officer. Colin's is a Doctor, it could be them... but no okay that's just our class it could be anyone. Anyone. I don't want it to be Colin or Sarah. Come on think! There are at least 5 freshmen. 12 Sophomores. 3 other Juniors. 2 Seniors. It can't be Mom. It's not Mom.'

"James Kirk." Jim looked up, he saw his teacher one of his favorites step aside as the respectful Star Fleet Officer lowered his cap.

"No." He saw Sarah look devastated for him and Colin looked away partially relieved but in pain. They both knew. If His mom's dead, he's an orphan and his brother Sam ran away about 7 years ago. He had been legally pronounced dead just before Jim turned 16 this year. There were rumors though that the older Kirk ran away to the planet Deneva aka Kappa Fornacis III. It meant James T. Kirk was bound for long battles to Emancipate himself or that he was bound for foster care. 

The Star Fleet officer meant well. It was clear he was sad he had to make the visit, especially like this, "Jim Kirk... we-we need to talk to you."

"She's not dead." Jim refused to look. He wasn't going to look at any of them. Not the: Star Fleet Officer's kind eyes; at his teacher's tear filled ones; at his fellow Fleet Kids, and especially not at his regular classmates. "She's not dead. Go away you're disrupting my class we have things to learn okay?!" 

His teacher spoke in that soft way that reminded him so much of his mother, "Jim, I think you should talk to the officer outside. It would be much more private--"

"She's not dead! S-She can't be dead."

Jim doesn't really remember how he managed to have moved from his desk to the Principal's Office. He's being talked at and words are just smacking his ear drums. Where as full on phrases and sentences completely baffle him. Things like: "I'm so sorry." "There was nothing we could do." "Your mom was a hero." "The Captain went insane." "No one to take over command." "Everyone would have died if it hadn't been for her." Then finally they said, "She recorded you a message." They handed Jim a tiny piece of tech that would be the last thing his mother ever would say to him. He stared at it, then put it into his pocket. He didn't have to listen to it. He wouldn't. Not there. Not in front of those people. He knew that Winona Kirk wouldn't want him to give up. She taught him better than that. He would make her proud. He looked at the Star Fleet Officers, and he hated them. He wanted to scream, hit them, cry but he wouldn't because what would any of it do? Nothing. The child James T. Kirk died with his mother, so the adult had to move on. In that moment Jim smirked and shook his head, "I really hate you Star Fleet fuckers and my mother was worth one hundred of you." He got up and went back to class but really he used the rest of the day to figure out his next move. 'No matter what,' He thought, 'I need to make mom proud.'

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**


End file.
